Friday, August 28, 2009

Reducing a Carbon Footprint

This week we the World became aware of the sad death of the "Lion of Liberalism", Senator Ted Kennedy.

We are now all saying to each other: "Do you remember where you were when you heard that Kennedy died?"

Whilst we are all grieving, let us not forget Mary Jo Kopechne, who gave up her Carbon Footprint well before it became fashionable, as a 28 year old in 1969.

Had Mary Jo not gifted the world with her martyrdom, and she was still alive 40 years later, she would have exhaled half a kilogram of CO2 per day, every day, a total of 7.3 extra tonnes of CO2.

That is just BREATHING. Let's look at BREEDING, shall we?

Mary Jo, as a rambunctious 28 year old, would no doubt have soon married money (given the circles she moved in), and you would expect that she would have sealed the deal by producing progeny quicker than the Princess of Wales. Plus, she had an absolutely shithouse surname, which brings up all sorts of potential Polack jokes/comments.

Not the same if your surname was "Spencer", or something similar.

No, Mary Jo would have been spitting them out like Guinea-Pigs. From a purely prosiac Catholic perspective (it was the 1960's, after all..) you would have expected her to proginate four or five little Kenn... ahh, sorry, four or five little Kiddies,, in very short order.

So, Mary Jo's sacrifice, in removing herself from the gene-pool permanently, meant that four or five little kiddies weren't exhaling CO2 for the last 40 years. Let's round the savings to 30 tonnes of CO2.

Don't forget, that's just exhalation of breath - we haven't even started on lifestyle carbon footprints!

Ah! The lifestyle! It would have been Camelot, had Mary Jo not ended up as the Lady in the Lake.

Without delving into the sordid carbon detail of the Lifestyles of the Rich and Disgusting, you would certainly have expected the last 40 years to have brought:

1. Above average use of aircraft (although propellor driven aircraft would have been a no-no);

2. Above average use of automobiles, especially the SUV death machine style - indeed, the strength and structural rigidity of the Oldsmobile Delta 88 would have been the precursor of automobile choice;

3. Larger than average homes, in Florida, Hyannis Port, Chappaquiddick, the former Soviet Union, California, Washington, Jamaica and Brazil would have a multiplication effect;

4. Modelling tells us that Mary Jo and each of her 4 children would produce in excess of 45 tonnes of CO2, each, per annum, for the last 40 years, a total of 45x5x40 or 9,000 tonnes of CO2.

Mary Jo, we thank you for your sacrifice. As did the Teddster:

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

African nations selling themselves short!

African nations (well, 10 of them) have banded together for the Coopenhagen conference later this year, which selects a fresh AGW protocol as a replacement for the toothless Kyoto Protocol.

These brave African nations are, however, selling themselves grossly short, by only demanding $67 billion (AUD?) dollars per year as climate reaparations from the polluters of the West. See:

Only 67 lousy billion dollars per annum? Who can we get to administer the spreading of this largesse, I wonder? Let's ask an Emminent Person, like former Prime Minister of Australia, Malcolm Fraser:

"I reckon that His Excellency President Field-Marshall Robert Mugabe is the One!"

OK, let's see whether Bob wants the job. Bob is well known for his economics, and ability to spend money wisely.

We need to assuage our collective responsibility to these poor Africans, suffering droughts, hurricanes, snow, rising sea levels, melting glaciers, and everything else that we polluters in the West are liable to account for. His Excellency, Mr Mugabe, is an excellent choice to administer the fund!

"Hey, Kuffir! I want a new Mercedes Benz! The old one has seen better days, and if I'm going to be a Big Wheel in distributing the environmental reparations, I need a better image!"

"Just look at what I have to put up with! You Kuffirs just don't appreciate how important image is to a Big Man in Africa!"

"In fact, this old one is so environmentally unsound, I was thinking of trading it in Cousin Obama's "Cash-for-Clumkers" program."

"Can you guys help me out here?"

Let's all get together, and make sure Bob gets the limousine that he really, truly deserves.

Perhaps a hybrid?

I mean, it's only $67 billion. Per year.

The poor of Africa are bearing the brunt of the evil West's profligate burning of fossil fuels, so we really need to get behind this notion of reparations.

$67 billion per year is just small change, when you look at the Wall Street bail-outs. Seriously small change, and I'm almost embarassed to put that into the collection plate this Sunday.

Surely we can band together, and help these climate-dispossessed Africans?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Quelle Horreur! French Wine and Salmon to be wiped out!

In a savage blow to the middle-class and latte-sipping LandCruiser driving Doctor's wives, French wine is likely to be no more due to Global Warming:
In a further climate disaster, billions of red Sockeye Salmon, (a perfect accompanyment to a cheeky French Chardonnay) have literally disappeared. Yep, you guessed it - Global Warming:
Not only are the poor and dispossessed having their lifestyles threatened by Global Warming, but so too are the polluters themselves.

Time to wake up! We need to stop climate change now!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

What happens when your prayers are answered?

The good burghers of the villages of Fieschertal and Fiesch in the Swiss Alps had a problem in 1678 - their local glacier (the Aletsch Glacier) had grown so large, that it entered a lake, pushed out the water, and caused flooding of their homes.

At that point, they started praying that the Aletsch Glacier would recede, and no longer invade the lake. In 1862, they started holding an annual procession, with all of the enlightened accoutrements (sacrificing virgins, paying the local priests etc), to ensure that the glacier would retreat, and not cause them harm.

It appears that the praying and paying worked out for these villagers, as the Aletsch Glacier has in fact been receding since 1862, as a result of man-made emissions of the death gas, carbon dioxide, from the burning of fossil fuels, which commenced in earnest at approximately that time.

The trouble with prayers, though, is that sometimes they are answered. Like for the Lederhosen-clad folk of Fieschertal and Fiesch, for instance.

Since the inauguration of their annual parade in 1862, the glacier has been shrinking, answering their prayers by Divine Intervention. The burghers have been happy, and continued with their annual God-bothering festival for the last 147 years. However........

It appears that the good burghers have finally realised that their prayers have worked only too well, and now they are seeking an audience with the Pope, for authorisation to change the focus of their annual festival from shrinking the glacier, to praying that it grows.
See link from Reuters.
So, what exactly is going to happen when they meet with Joseph Alois Ratzinger, current occupant of the Papal See, and noted climatologist?

Kaboom is running 29 different political/societal computer models, all of which have various outcomes in terms of the stock market, and the winner of the sixth at Randwick. However, by way of consensus algorithms, Kaboom's models can indeed predict the most likely outcome:

So, as I understand, you have been praying to the Big Fella for 147 years, that this glacier would shrink?

And now, you come to me, seeking permission to change the OUTCOME sought from your prayers, that the glacier does not shrink, but in fact grows. Have I got this part correct?

Hmmmmm...... you do realise, of course, that you villagers have proof positive that prayers can be answered?

OK, look, before I, um.... pontificate on this issue, I've just got to tackle something simple, like, umm... the recent outbreak of The Troubles in Northern Ireland. Let me get back to you, hey?

Bugger that!

Denialist scientists blame the Sun!

The shills for Big Oil, the turncoat so-called "scientists" blame the Sun, rather than carbon-dioxide and the unremitting use of fossil fuels, in the Earth's heating process.

We all know that the death gas, carbon dioxide, has caused all of the heating of the atmosphere and seas since the Industrial Revolution (and remember the gross pollution and child slavery that wonderful event brought us!), yet these "scientists" propose the deployment of 1,900 wind-powered ships to pump clouds into the atmosphere, in order to deflect sunlight.

See link, and especially note the picture:
"Wind powered"? I can't see a single bloody sail, can you?

These clowns deny the effect of not curtailing mankind's profligate use of fossil fuels, and are playing God with our children's future.

There is no alternative but to reduce carbon dioxide emissions to zero by 2020 at the latest, otherwise we will reach a tipping point of runaway global warming or cooling.

Schemes like this only derogate from the pressing need to completely curtail carbon emissions, and are likely to be clutched at by ignorant voters as a panacea to all problems.

Kaboom is completely disgusted by the sell-out by these denialist "scientists".

Sunday, August 2, 2009

50,000 new Green jobs!

Our Dear Leader, Kevin Rudd P.M., has unveiled a plan to create more than 50,000 new Green jobs:

"The new $94 million jobs package will be made up of around 30,000 trainee and apprentice positions concentrating on "green skills" in building and construction; 10,000 jobs in a new National Green Jobs Corp; 6,000 local green jobs through the jobs fund, and the 4,000 people already working in the housing insulation program."

"The climate change sceptics constantly scare-monger about the possible loss of jobs through the transition of a lower carbon economy," he said.

"But they constantly fail to talk about the new clean energy jobs of the future which will arise from the introduction of the Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme."

As always, Kaboom stands ready to help Dear Leader save our planet. Here, Kaboom "value-adds" the jobs potential of the Green Revolution five-fold, by a simple example:

Behold! Kaboom's "Greenshaw"!

The concept is both simple and elegant (as usual), and the five-fold employment opportunities are as follows:-

  1. When the petrol runs out because of Peak Oil, or because it has become so expensive that no-one besides environmental consultants can afford it, there will be millions of useless old "clunkers" (like the MINI Cooper S shown above) lying around rusting. Not only that, but there will be billions of people walking to work. The first employment opportunity will be for someone to cut these hulks of a past epoch in half, using carbon-friendly tools such as a hack-saw.
  2. Next, someone will be employed to smooth off the rough hacksawed edges, fabricate by hand the steps, and ensure that the end product meets all necessary safety requirements.
  3. Another person will be employed to remove the air-bags from the old clunkers, and insert these devices into the rear compartments used for the Greenshaw.
  4. Another person will be employed to hand fabricate (using recycled materials, NOT wood) the carrying frame of the Greenshaw.
  5. Finally, and most importantly, someone with the innate strength and green-savvy to pull the Greenshaw.

As you can see, by using a bit of Green ingenuity, we can massively redeploy employment to cure major social problems of (1) unwanted cars, (2) people having to walk, and (3) unemployment.

As we greenies like to say, "A win-win situation!"

Bigfoot threatened by Global Warming

My colleagues at EcoWorldly have recently reported that Bigfoot will lose a portion of its existing natural habitat, and will be forced to move north as the planet warms to Hell:

It is climate-induced species migration which brings home to us all how much mankind is affecting all of Gaia's little creatures. Just contemplate the sad look on Bigfoot's face:

Coopenhagen CANNOT be delayed any further! Stop Climate Change now!